song 23: big love

this week we doctored up a rough demo i recorded (through tears!) back in may of 2006. in a world where really talking with each other was seemingly impossible, i was well aware that the only way my man was going to hear me was if i was singing. so i wrote him big love, but we broke up a day or two later, song unsung. but when i spied Noah in the audience during a show at the Crocodile in seattle a mere week post-breakup, i added big love to end of my set and nervously sang my heart out, regretting my decision to play it from the first strum to the last! that night literally changed our lives...

i just remember being so pissed that he showed up at my show and threw me off my game... like he just broke up with me, right? again! i mean, it was the first time we were officially dating, so it was our first (and only) official break up. and technically, he wouldn't break up with me because he was too nice to hurt my feelings, so i'm actually the one that did the breaking up. and now there we are after the show... he's inside and i'm outside and we're talking through an open door and i'm snapping at him, "what do you want?!" as in, "what do you want from me?!"... because he doesn't want to be with me, but he sure doesn't seem to want to be without me either. but despite my exasperation, he looks at me and with surprising tenderness and sincerity, in a tone that almost sounds like a question, he softly says, "i want to love God."

well i just completely lose it. without so much as a word i shut the door in his face, turn and all out run down the block, throw myself onto the back seat of my friend's car, yell "DRIVE!" and start sobbing.

i was shocked! i had no idea he wanted to love God... and he had no idea i wanted to love God! you may not know that i was married before we were married, and that i'd been running from the Lord, quite intentionally, since the day i was divorced (which was about two months before Noah first kissed me). but in the week since Noah and i had broken up, the Lord was overwhelming me with His love and kindness and i was finally opening up my heart to Him again. that Noah's heart was as hungry for God as mine was just too much...

so that was tuesday. on wednesday we talked about needing to talk. on thursday we talked and decided to keep on talking. on friday we talked about God. and on saturday Noah actually encountered God and his life was completely changed... but that's his story to tell and his song to share.

i got robbed and you, you stood there
looking innocently at me
you, you closed the distance
i dare say you had me ‘bout believing…

it’s a big love i’m thinkin of
you know it could be
i’ve a big heart
for such a little thing like me
and mine’s a big hope
but suddenly i don’t know anything
this ain’t no joke baby

it weren’t long til we weren’t nowhere
there weren’t no good reasonings
i fell quiet and you, you got scared
i think you think it’s no big thing

but it’s a big love…

you’d rather be alone than
let me really know you
too late, darlin’ i do already…

you’d rather pull away than
have a little faith and
jump in while you still can take that chance

you’d hate to be exposed for
fear of the unknown or
you “can’t say” you’re “not sure, really…” (really?)
we do things or we don’t
we’re willing or we won’t
we live life like we want to
don’t you?

it’s a big love…