saturday, april 13, 2013.

We lost our little unborn baby yesterday. We both feel it was going to be a girl: Maybelline... our little Maybe. After 12 weeks of pregnancy, 10 pounds of lost weight, five weeks of complications, and four weeks of bedrest, an ultrasound reveals there is no heartbeat. One minute the technician is saying, "let's check on your baby," and the next she is telling us, "you need to get rid of it." It? It is shocking, at best.

The next morning we drop Little Buddy off with friends, thinking we'll be back in an hour or two, and go visit a doctor I've never seen before. She is gentle and kind but informs us upon arrival that she has cancelled all her appointments for the afternoon and taken the liberty of scheduling me for almost-an-emergency surgery. She puts me under and robs my belly of our baby. After twelve awful hours, we return home with Little Buddy.

I am in a lot of pain and at the same time I feel significantly better. The doctor says my hormone levels are that of a mother carrying triplets. It is a comfort to know I will soon be myself again... able to play again with my Little Buddy and enjoy all that he is, able to go for walks again around the lake we so endlessly gaze upon, and able to eat again all the deliciousness I can get my hands on.

I try not to remember that the reason we lost our baby is actually quite rare and quite complicated, but the thought is always in the back of my mind. I read things online about my condition that terrify me. I have a year of close monitoring and follow up ahead, but now that I am no longer pregnant, my state insurance is set to expire soon soon.

My feelings are mixed when I think of telling people, of seeing people, of people asking how we are, of how we feel. People are curious, people have questions, and surely it will not help to mend our broken hearts to pour over the details time and again. Besides, we don't really have answers to offer. All we know is it is done and it cannot be undone. We feel torn in two but even so, we see God's hand on us throughout this situation and feel his grace towards us. We don't pretend to understand why God has allowed this to happen, but we accept this sorrow from him just as we have accepted all the joy and many good gifts he has poured out on us over the years. He is near to the brokenhearted, and we are grateful that this sadness allows us to draw closer to him and closer to each other. We are incredibly sad but we also have so much peace and hope and yes, even joy...